Posted on January 9, 2014.It’s funny how questions about my profession have changed over the years, and the change reflects the growing preference for cremation as a means of final disposition. A question I used to get was “What’s the difference between a casket and a coffin?” With casket usage dropping and many families selecting cremation, I now am frequently asked “What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial service?” On the surface, the question is easily answerable by the stock reply that a funeral has the body present, while a memorial service does not. But what about when the urn containing the ashes is present; does that not constitute a “body” and therefore call for the term “funeral” to be utilized?
While it’s easy to get caught up in the semantics of what label to give a ceremony, one thing I have found is NOT easy concerns the presence of our personnel on memorial services at area churches. Many families tell us our presence is not required for a memorial service, and that the church will take care of all of their needs during the ceremony. These “needs” include reserving pews for the family to sit in, the placement of flowers/photos/mementos in the sanctuary, reserving adequate parking for family members, delivery of the urn (if applicable) to the church, ushering the family into and out of the sanctuary at the proper time and to/from the proper location, placement of/collection of register book(s) at entrances to the church, the handing out of memorial records/church bulletins to those attending, making sure doors are closed once the memorial service begins so outside noises and visual distractions are minimized, making sure the family receives the register book and any flower cards, and the dispersal of floral tributes after the ceremony. As you can see, there’s quite a lot that goes into a memorial service, even when it is NOT a funeral with a casket present.
I’ll be the first to admit that several places of worship in our valley have proven they have the personnel and/or volunteer corps to successfully “pull off” the litany of duties involved in such an event. But for every church that IS able to provide the comfort and
logistical assistance to families on the day of a memorial service, there are others that have difficulty in this area.
Our funeral directors are trained to offer assistance at memorial taking place away from our chapel, but of course we do have to include a charge for our personnel, equipment, and vehicles. Often, family members tell us (in a polite way) that Oakey’s staff members will not be needed at the church when the memorial service takes place. Our response is to politely accept this explanation and not attempt to push our involvement into the family member’s face. When things at the church go properly, I rarely hear back from attendees about the service. However, if problems manifest themselves at the service, I often receive a call or visit from a family member, clergy person, or simply a friend of the family present for the memorial service.
Only recently, a pastor who I know and respect complained to me that Oakey’s should have been at the memorial service. He stated a hallway door did not get closed and created a problem during the service and everyone in the sanctuary saw people going down the hallway during the funeral. He also said a front door was left open and traffic permeated the solemn atmosphere. Nobody knew what to do with the
flowers afterwards, he said, and handicapped folks could not sign the “self serve” register book. When I explained to him that the family turned down our offer of help at the church, he merely shook his head and replied he was a minister and not a funeral director!
I have a problem with our people not being at many of the church memorial services, as well. Everyone who reads an obituary knows what funeral home is in charge of the arrangements. If obvious snafus occur before, during, or after the service, the funeral home mentioned in the obit takes a hit to their reputation. “Why didn’t you have people in the parking lot at (name) church last week, Sammy? That “funeral” was HUGE” was just one comment I got two months ago when a family said they did not require our help at the church.
So what’s the answer? I really don’t know. I DO know other funeral homes are wrestling with the same problem, and are as confounded as I am about a solution. So now you know the difference between a memorial service and a funeral. I only wish the answer to MY problem was as cut and dried!